Suddenly I’m not so young

I’m not the easiest shell to crack, I know this. Well to some I’m not. Every person who I work with and have come to know after college think they know me. Its all been a lie, besides everyone thinking that I am Greek. It might not matter for long, I got a job at the Health department, I might never see these people again, and part of me doesn’t mind.

I was never really good with keeping in contact with people, especially those who I just knew casually. OK, I don’t keep up with people I knew personally, I don’t even talk to some family members. Chris from high school, Chris from College and my own brother, when have I spoken to them? The girl I took to prom and went to college with? Its easily been 4 or 5 years since we spoke. We were the best of friends too. I speak to Suzanne more than I do Sean, my roomate/floormate for almost all of college. Brian and I hit instant messenger for the first time in months.

I haven’t spoken to my cousins in Israel since 2003 or 2004. I haven’t spoken to some in Syracuse in almost 2 years even when we had Thanksgiving dinner at Teta’s (grandma’s). I have a cousin in Lansing who I haven’t spoken to in 4 months and really have no want or need to.

These people have done nothing to me yet I have completely shut them out. With the exception of my college mates and friends from highschool, they never cross my mind. I still have a copy of Lisbela on my computer. This crosses my mind at least once a week, and I have no remedy.

This is why no one gets to know me, because its easier to forget about them when they don’t matter (I hope chris x 3 and the rest aren’t offended).

Its not that I am an ass, its just that I fear getting to know people because I fear my mortality. What crosses my mind the rest of the week is the thought of dying. My faith in the medical field has never been strong. I get bad headaches, my eyes hurt sometimes. A few weeks ago I had a bloody nose that almost left me unconscious, thats always a good sign. I don’t want to see my oncologist out of fear. I don’t want to know.
I have a hard time eating meat because it reminds me of death. I know it sounds ridiculous. I might live to be 80 but I can guarantee that every moment until I will be thinking of those last moments. I have been a full blown atheist for as long as I can remember and I wish I had something to believe in. I wish that somehow I saw death as a salvation, as something not to fear, but I don’t. So I put up walls, even to the person I loved. If I have nothing to lose if death has no power over me.

I’m not, I’m not crazy. If you were me you would have suppressed all the thoughts and memories as well. You would stare at the ceiling wondering if death is like all those dreamless nights. I wake up hugging my pillow and not wanting to leave and I go on hoping it all ends the same way.